SCENE ONE

Low atmospheric synthesiser music plays as Olivia wanders through a desolate forest on fire. Ash muffles the sounds of her footsteps. The brush still burns.

OLIVIA:
(bold, but hesitant) Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?
She pulls her phone from her pocket and taps at it in frustration.
Damnit. I thought I plugged you in… Wait, why is my passcode not working?
She abandons her efforts.
Shit. 

Liv appears in a strange whoosh, forcing Olivia to a sudden stop.

LIV:
(confident, without a care in the world) There you are. I was hoping you’d show up tonight. 

OLIVIA:
(yelps) Who are you? What is this place? 

LIV:
You’re running out of time, Olivia. (urgent) Your world is on the brink of destruction. Everything will end up like this if you don’t do exactly as I say. 

As if to prove her point, fire crackles in the distance.

OLIVIA:
How do you know my name? Why do you… look like me? 

LIV:
(contemptuous) Oh, keep up, Olivia, honestly. I didn’t think you’d still be this dense. 

OLIVIA:
Wha ‒ hey!

LIV:
You know how employers always ask you where you’ll be in five years? Well, you’re looking at her. 

OLIVIA:
You ‒ you’re me. Five years from now. How do I know you’re telling me the truth? 

LIV:
(falsely cheery) Look at you, putting it together! (deadpan) Maybe this won’t be as fucked as I thought. 

OLIVIA:
(done with Liv’s attitude) Can you please just tell me what’s going on? 

LIV:
(scoffs) Your name is Olivia Monroe, married to one very wonderful Annie Monroe. Your fifth anniversary is coming up, and you plan on getting her a new rocking chair for that nursery you want to build.

OLIVIA:
How do you…

LIV:
(lost all cadence of joking) I told you. I’m you. And the world will end if you don’t do exactly as I say.

OLIVIA:
Wait, I’m asleep right now, aren’t I? The last thing I remember is curling up next to—

LIV:
Annie. And your dog Snickers? 

OLIVIA:
Creepy. 

LIV:
(urgent) Time is running out, Olivia. You’ll be waking up soon. Do you want to know how to stop the world from ending or do you just want to argue?

OLIVIA:
(sighs in exasperation) Tell me. 

LIV:
In three days, your boss is going to defund what he thinks of as an unimportant project. When Project Neptune is disbanded, there won’t be astronomers watching the right sector. No one notices the asteroid. And then, well. Everything ends. You need to get to Room 10-06, ask to see computer terminal 03-29, and type in Quadrant 476-0001. It should bring up the asteroid and—

OLIVIA:
Wait, wait. How am I supposed to remember all of this? I can’t even open my phone to write it down.

LIV:
Room 10-06, terminal 03-29, Quadrant 476-0001. Got it? 

OLIVIA:
I think so. What else? 

LIV:
(contemptuous) Don’t fuck it up.

SCENE TWO

Olivia gasps and wakes with a start in her bed.

ANNIE:
(groggy) Love?
She rolls over.
What’s wrong?

OLIVIA:
I think the world is ending

ANNIE:
(laughs) Right now? (yawns) It’s four thirty in the morning. Or can you tell me all about it after our alarm goes off?

OLIVIA:
(tense) This isn’t a joke, Annie!

ANNIE:
(sleepy) Right.

OLIVIA:
I’m serious!

ANNIE:
Okay.
She sits up.
Okay. Why don’t I make us some coffee, and you can tell me all about it, alright?

SCENE THREE

Birds chirp in the early morning as Olivia and Annie talk in their kitchen. Low synth music fades in.

ANNIE:
Project Neptune? I’ve never heard of it.

OLIVIA:
Me neither! It must be one of the classified ones. Or they tend to stick to themselves. I’ll ask Brennan about it today, see if he has any clue.
She places two mugs on the counter as she babbles.

ANNIE:
So you believe this dream, then.

OLIVIA:
It wasn’t a dream! Okay, it was, technically, but it didn’t feel like anything I’d ever experienced before! It was real, like I was actually there. In the future. I saw myself there, only… different.

ANNIE:
What did she look like? Your future self?

OLIVIA
Well, not really older, for one. But… she was emptier, meaner. She had glasses on and they were smudged with soot and ash; guess there’s no contacts in the apocalypse. Her clothing was ripped and filthy, and (mumbling this part) missing an arm. (intense) It was so vivid.

ANNIE:
You only had one arm‽

OLIVIA:
And that wasn’t even the weirdest part. It was just her cadences, body language, even tone of voice. Just. Eugh, uncanny.

ANNIE:
(incredulous) Livvy… I don’t want to diminish your feelings, but. Are you really going to go to Brennan with all of this? Just over a dream? I mean, we did just watch Mad Max Fury Road. Are you sure it isn’t just your imagination playing apocalypse with you?

OLIVIA:
I know, it sounds crazy. And honestly I wish it was just my imagination. I can’t explain it. You just had to feel it. The world felt all sharp and lifelike… Besides, Brennan owes me from covering for him two weekends in a row. If Project Neptune is real, it’s at least a starting point.

ANNIE:
(fondly, if not slightly exasperated) You’re not letting this go, are you?

OLIVIA
Would you?

ANNIE:
(yawns) Point taken. I’ll make us some more coffee.

The music fades out.

SCENE FOUR

Olivia and Annie have arrived at their workplace for the start of their day. At the Jemison National Aerospace and Particle Physics Research Center, Annie stops in front of the door to her office.

ANNIE:
See you at lunch, Livvy. (jovial) But remember: apocalypse or no apocalypse, your paper draft is due in two weeks.

OLIVIA:
Yeah, yeah. I’ll get it done. Love you, sweetheart.

ANNIE:
Love you, too.

She closes the door behind her. Pleasant keyboard chords chime in. Olivia walks a few doors further, where she scans a security card. It beeps and she enters.

BRENNAN:
Wow, you weren’t fifteen minutes early today! What gives, Monroe? Up all night with An—
He sees Olivia’s wan face.
Woah. Hey, you alright?

OLIVIA:
(exhaustion catching up to her) Somewhat.
An instrument starts to beep softly.
Your timer’s done, B.

BRENNAN:
Yeah, shit, one sec.
He turns off the timer and starts tapping at a computer.
Algorithm mapping’s almost done. You gonna tell me about what’s going on or am I gonna have to guess?

OLIVIA:
Great. Brennan. Have you ever heard of Project Neptune? You’ve worked here longer than I have.

BRENNAN:
Neptune, Neptune… it sounds familiar. Are those the guys on Sublevel 10 that never come to the Christmas party?

OLIVIA:
Sublevel 10… Like Room 10-06?

BRENNAN:
I guess? But I’m pretty sure most of what they work on is above my pay grade, frankly. What’s going on?

OLIVIA:
God, you’re gonna think I’m crazy. I had a dream. A premonition. Where my future self told me to go there, find an asteroid, stop the world from blowing up and save the future.

BRENNAN:
(deadpan) Oh, right. One of those.

OLIVIA:
(urgent) I’m serious, Brennan. It was terrifying. I’ve never experienced anything like it before.

BRENNAN:
(sobered) Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise. It just sounds, well…

OLIVIA:
Crazy?

BRENNAN:
Not… not crazy.

OLIVIA:
I just, well. I told Annie already, but it didn’t feel like anything normal. But it didn’t feel like a dream either. It was real, but uncanny. Dreamlike, but not fuzzy. I don’t know how else to explain it.

BRENNAN:
Sounds terrifying, honestly. You sure you didn’t just eat something weird before bed? (jovial) Happens to me with spicy nachos sometimes. That heartburn does weird things to your brain, I swear.

OLIVIA:
(exasperated) Yes, Brennan.

BRENNAN:
You know I had to ask. So, what now? Are you going to Sublevel 10 to find out more about this (spooky affect) mysterious Project Neptune?

OLIVIA:
I think I have to, right? For my own peace of mind, if anything. Will you come with me? Annie’s in meetings all day, and I don’t want to go alone.

BRENNAN:
If you think we can get the paper done in time, then fuck it. I’ve been staring at these numbers for days. A little side quest won’t hurt anything.

OLIVIA:
Just make sure Sam doesn’t find out. He’s been on my ass lately.

BRENNAN:
And here I thought having such an absent PI would be a good thing.

OLIVIA:
Yeah, usually. Until he starts combing through every piece of our data with a fine-toothed comb.

BRENNAN:
Gotta put that Master’s to good use, Liv!

OLIVIA:
(scoffs) You sound like my mom.

BRENNAN:
That’s all I ever wanted to be.

The music fades out.

SCENE FIVE

Olivia and Brennan walk down a mostly deserted hallway with flickering fluorescents on Sublevel 10.

BRENNAN:
So she ‒ you ‒ said Sam is defunding them in three days? Looks like this floor hasn’t been operational in months.

OLIVIA:
There’s more dead cockroaches down here than I’ve ever seen.

BRENNAN:
Disgusting.

OLIVIA:
You can go back upstairs, if you want.

BRENNAN:
And do work? No thanks.

OLIVIA:
(laughs lightly) You know I am technically your supervisor, right?

BRENNAN:
Technically, you’re also my best friend.

OLIVIA:
Right.
She scans the doors.
10-04, 10-05, 10-06. This is it!
The two stop at the door.
Is there even a security sensor?

BRENNAN:
I don’t see one.
He tests the door. The door squeaks open.
Oh look, it’s open!
He walks in.

Ominous synth bells play.

OLIVIA:
(scandalised) Brennan! You can’t just go in!

BRENNAN:
How else are we supposed to get inside?

OLIVIA:
By knocking. Or we could check the directory, they must have an office phone. And ‒ oh, Jesus.

BRENNAN:
He calls from further in the lab.
I don’t see anyone here!

OLIVIA:
Now or never, I guess.
She follows him in.

BRENNAN:
Hellooo? Is anyone here? Helloooo?

OLIVIA:
Now I’m getting déja vu. My head hurts.

BRENNAN:
I don’t see anyone. Maybe they’re all getting coffee?

WREN:
(cagey) I don’t think you’re allowed in here.

BRENNAN:
(startled) Jesus!

OLIVIA:
(snickers) Hi, yes. We’re from upstairs. We were just looking for some information?

WREN:
This area is classified.

BRENNAN:
The door was unlocked.

WREN:
(more animated) I’m just messing with you. We don’t really get many visitors down here. My partner’s on vacation, so I’ve been kind of lonely. Anyway, what can I help you with?

BRENNAN:
Well… Olivia here, had a… feeling about something on one of your computers that could, um… help your research! I’m Brennan by the way.

Distorted bass notes fade in.

WREN:
Wren.

OLIVIA:
Nice to meet you. Anyway, Brennan’s right. Can I use terminal 03-29? Just… for a second. I need to check a few things.

WREN:
(suspicious) How do you know about terminal 03-29?

OLIVIA:
The, uhm, paper you published last year. It was fascinating. I always wanted to see where it all happened.

WREN:
(dismissive) Our papers keep getting rejected. Too radical. Now, how do you know about 03-29? If Erik let something slip…

OLIVIA:
No, I don’t even know who that is, just, look. I’ve had an exhausting day.

WREN:
It’s 10 in the morning.

OLIVIA:
It doesn’t matter! I had a dream from my future self telling me to check the terminal to make sure that an asteroid isn’t going to destroy the Earth, okay? And I don’t actually believe that, because that’s crazy, and I’m sure it was just a weird dream. But… I owe it to myself to check.

BRENNAN:
(sighing) Well that’s one way to ask.

WREN:
(incredulous) An asteroid?

OLIVIA:
Yes!

WREN:
Well, allow me to ease your mind, Olivia. We don’t study asteroids down here. I don’t know how you learned about the terminal, but I’ll let it go. Just don’t bother us again, okay?

OLIVIA:
You are Project Neptune, right? You ‒ you don’t study asteroids?

WREN:
I don’t think it’s any of your business what we study down here, really.

BRENNAN:
Come’on, Liv, let’s just go.

WREN:
Liv?

OLIVIA:
Yeah, why?

WREN:
Nothing.

The music fades out.

SCENE SIX

That evening, Olivia and Brennan debrief Annie at home.

BRENNAN
Okay, fine, Liv. It wasn’t not weird. 

ANNIE:
So, Wren ‒ that’s their name? ‒ they were really that evasive?

OLIVIA
Yeah. They seemed normal at first, but then I started asking questions, and it got all muddled. I have no idea what to make of it.

ANNIE:
Well… Dream you said they’d be shut down in two days, right? Maybe they’ll discover it in time.

OLIVIA:
I don’t know. I’m missing something, and I don’t like it.

BRENNAN:
Maybe we need to acknowledge it was just an odd dream and move on. We’re certainly not going to be welcome down there again.

OLIVIA:
Yeah. Maybe I should just move on.

ANNIE:
(amused) Well, I’m convinced. Olivia, the woman who’s always been great at letting things go, is just going to let this go.

OLIVIA:
Hey! I have to focus on the draft of the paper. Or, at least make Brennan do it.

BRENNAN:
Wow. I’m so honoured.

OLIVIA:
I’m going to turn in early. I didn’t really sleep last night.

ANNIE:
Sleep well, love. Brennan, we’ll see you tomorrow, alright?

BRENNAN:
Say hi to yourself for me!
Annie pushes him out the door.
Ow. Good night!

Annie closes the door behind him.

SCENE SEVEN

Low synth tunes fade in. Olivia finds herself back in the forest of her dreams.

OLIVIA:
Oh, goddamnit. I know you’re here somewhere!

LIV:
(impatient) I’m going to keep showing up like this until you finish what you need to.

OLIVIA:
I tried! They don’t even study asteroids down there. I looked like an idiot all day. Felt like one, too.

LIV:
And at what point are you just going to trust me?

OLIVIA:
If you’re really me, then you’d know that I’m not the mystical type. Especially not in dream apparitions.

LIV:
Trust me, don’t trust me. But trust in yourself. You know, deep down, that this conversation is real. You wouldn’t have gone down there today if you didn’t think so.

OLIVIA:
They’re not letting us down there to look at the computer, anyway! It’s moot.

LIV:
Okay.

OLIVIA:
Okay?

LIV:
I just thought you were more resourceful, that’s all. I thought you’d want to prevent this from happening. Olivia Monroe, went into STEM to save the world, now has an actual chance to do that exact thing she went to grad school for.

More fire catches in the background.

OLIVIA:
How did you survive, anyway?

LIV:
(scoffs) Let’s hope you never have to find out.

The music fades out. Olivia wakes with a start again.

OLIVIA:
(whispered) That bitch!

SCENE EIGHT

A short while later, Annie finds Olivia sneaking through the hallway of Sublevel 10 in the Jemison National Aerospace and Particle Physics Research Center.

SYD:
(hissing) I knew it!

OLIVIA:
Jesus, Annie! (scoffs) I’m going to have a heart attack after today.

ANNIE:
What do you think I felt waking up to an empty bed?

OLIVIA:
You’re right, I’m sorry. I had another dream, and I just—

ANNIE:
(fondly) Couldn’t let it go?

OLIVIA:
Not so much, no.

ANNIE:
Then let me help, Livvy. I’m here for you.

OLIVIA:
Thanks. Let’s see if the door is still unlocked.

ANNIE:
And if it’s not?

BRENNAN:
I swiped an all access card from Sam’s office after work.

ANNIE:
(startled) Where the hell did you come from‽

BRENNAN:
I came here an hour ago. I waited in the empty lab across the hall. 

OLIVIA:
I suppose you’re coming too? 

BRENNAN:
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious.

OLIVIA:
Fine. Try the door?

Brennan tries the knob. It’s locked. He swipes Sam’s key, and it beeps open.

BRENNAN:
After you, ladies.

The three enter.

ANNIE:
Ooh, this place is… nasty. So, what exactly are we looking for?

OLIVIA:
03-29. There’s only a few monitors in here. It must be ‒ ah!

The computer beeps as it boots up.

ANNIE:
Ah, shit. There’s a fingerprint lock.

OLIVIA:
Damn. Can’t hurt to try!
The computer opens from her touch.
Um. Why the fuck did that work?

BRENNAN:
It says your name. Look. Liv Monroe. 

OLIVIA:
They reacted when you called me Liv earlier.

BRENNAN:
Isn’t that a super common nickname though? What’s going on here, Olivia?

OLIVIA:
I don’t know!

ANNIE:
Try navigating to the software and typing in that ‒ what did she call it?

OLIVIA:
Quadrant.
She types quickly.
Quadrant 476-0001.

The computer chimes with a message. Wren’s voice chimes out of the tinny desktop speakers.

COMPUTER:
Quadrant Transfer Initiating. Countdown Begins. 

The door to a small glass cube across the lab swings open.

BRENNAN:
Olivia? Why does it say ‘Quadrant Transfer Initiating?’ What countdown? What are we counting down to?

OLIVIA:
I don’t… I ‒ I don’t know.

ANNIE:
What even is that thing? Some sort of greenhouse?

Olivia, Brennan and Annie step over to the cube.

OLIVIA:
I’m getting really sick of saying ‘I don’t know.’

Liv teleports into the cube and steps out.

LIV:
Silly Olivia. You truly don’t know anything, do you?

OLIVIA:
How? What?

LIV:
She cocks a gun and points it at Olivia.
Thanks for bringing them, Livvy! Really makes my job a lot easier.

ANNIE:
Holy shit. It is you, Olivia. Well, kind of.

BRENNAN:
What happened to your arm?

LIV:
I could easily train this gun at you, Brennan. Don’t think I won’t.

OLIVIA:
You are real! You’re… you’re real.

LIV:
Always have been. Now, get in there. I need to send you home.

OLIVIA:
Home? This is my home, our home!

ANNIE:
If Olivia is going anywhere, then I’m going too.

LIV:
Aww. That’s what I love about you, Annie. So loyal. But you, dear, stupid Olivia, need to be the one to get in that box, not you, Annie. Never you.
She addresses Olivia.
Did you really trust yourself that much that you didn’t even consider the possibility that I lied to you? I’m not sending you back to your stupid apartment. I’m sending you to my home. My original dimension!

OLIVIA:
What do you mean, original dimension? What about the asteroid?

LIV:
(contemptuous) Of course you wouldn’t know. In theory, you shouldn’t know for… another three months. But the multiverse? Turns out it’s real. I led Project Neptune in my home dimension. It studies interdimensional travel, but was considered “too dangerous” by those stupid higher ups with no vision for the future! And then all hell broke loose, and things… got worse. I lost my arm. (gentle) And then you, sweet Annie…

ANNIE:
Oh, I don’t like the sound of this.

LIV:
(intense) You died. And suddenly for me there was no future, no matter who tried to save our dimension and how. So I made contact with your dimension. Where Annie isn’t dead yet. Where our universe hasn’t gone to hell yet. I can stop it from happening here. I can live out the rest of my days in peace, with my Annie.

ANNIE:
You. Are not. My Olivia.

LIV:
And you wanna know the craziest part? I was first. I made contact in your dream and fed you that bullshit story about an asteroid all so we could switch places. (impatient) Now get in the box, Olivia. It’ll take you back to my homeworld.

BRENNAN:
Why can’t you both just stay here? You don’t need to send Olivia back!

LIV:
Of course I do. I don’t know what kind of interdimensional damage having two of us here would do, but I’m not willing to find out. Now. In.

OLIVIA:
I—

BRENNAN:
Don’t do it, Livvy!

COMPUTER:
One minute remaining.

Liv fires her gun at Brennan, who gasps in surprise and slumps to the floor.

OLIVIA:
(shocked) Brennan!

LIV:
Tick. Tock, Olivia. He’ll bleed out if you don’t get in. She’s next.

ANNIE:
(desperate) You don’t have to do anything, Livvy. Don’t listen to her. She wants me alive, she won’t kill me! Don’t leave me!

LIV:
It doesn’t matter. This universe will end, but I can stop it. If I don’t stay, Annie will die anyway.

BRENNAN:
(pained) Please ‒ please, Olivia. Stay. (gasping) Don’t let her win.

LIV:
There may be time to get him to the hospital, if we go now. If you want to save him, do as I say.

OLIVIA:
Go. Just go, I’ll do it, if it gets them both to live. I love you, Annie.

COMPUTER:
(overlapping with next few lines) Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Initiating.

Olivia gets inside the cube and shuts the door.

ANNIE:
I love you, too.

LIV:
Bye, Livvy.

ANNIE:
(rising in intensity) I’ll find you. Somehow I’ll find a way! I’ll find you—

Gas hisses. Olivia stands by herself in the forest of her dreams, now real.

 OLIVIA:
(softly) Bye, Annie.

COOK:
ChatterBot, play HUBRIS: Round 8, Group 2.

[MUSIC: ‘Hubris Intro Theme Music’]

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘HUBRIS: Round 8, Group 2. This piece is titled: ChatterBot. Content warnings include crying children, mentions of arson, scenes of emotional distress, and culinary misadventures.’

[MUSIC: ‘Hubris Intro Theme Music’ fades out]

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, play motivational study music.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

[MUSIC: ‘Shopping List’]

CHATTERBOT:
Now playing ‘coffee beats to study to’.

[SOUND: A stove being turned on and pot being placed on stove]

COOK:
Okay, ChatterBot, set a timer for five minutes.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Timer set for five minutes.

[SOUND: Flipping through cookbook, chopping garlic]

Cook: Damn, I’m nearly out… ChatterBot, put ‘garlic’ on the shopping list.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Target has been added to the shopping list.

COOK:
…Y’know what, I’ll fix it later. ChatterBot, read out Step 9.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Wait for the mixture in the pan to start bubbling. When it starts bubbling, set a timer for 5 minutes.’

COOK:
I already did that! ChatterBot, read out Step 10.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Keep stirring the mixture while you wait for the timer.’

COOK:
So what’s Step 11?

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, skip track.

[MUSIC: ‘Shopping List’ cuts]

[SOUND: Ruffling/zipping up clothes]

[MUSIC: ‘Hearteyes Emoji’]

DATE:
Okay, I think this is the final look. ChatterBot, what do you think? Are these clothes okay for a first date?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I do not know. I have no eyes.

DATE:
Ugh, this isn’t right at all! ChatterBot, do I have time to change? What time is my reservation?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Your reservation is at 7:30.

DATE:
ChatterBot, remind me to leave the house in 15 minutes.

[SOUND: Rummaging through closet]

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Reminder set for 50 minutes.

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, change playlist.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

[MUSIC: ‘Hearteyes Emoji’ cuts, ‘8 Bit’ begins]

CHATTERBOT:
Now playing ‘video game focus tunes.’

[SOUND: Video game shooting sounds, then, a defeated jingle and a laugh from the game]

GAMER:
ChatterBot, how do I beat Level 9? It’s been three hours.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Up. Up. Down. Down. B. A. Select. Start.

GAMER:
That’s not even the right game! Let’s just try this again. Hey, ChatterBot, should I turn left or right?

[SOUND: Video game noises, beeps and in-game walking]

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Would you like me to flip a coin?

GAMER:
Sure, whatever, yeah.

CHATTERBOT:
Flipping coin.

[SOUND: ChatterBot flipping coin]

CHATTERBOT:
Heads.

GAMER:
I… guess that means go left?

[SOUND: Walking in game… then, console powers down]

[MUSIC: ‘8 Bit’ cuts off]

GAMER:
Oh! Oh God, no! Wait. ChatterBot, when was the last time I saved?

[SOUND: Timer dings]

CHATTERBOT:
Your five-minute timer has ended.

COOK:
On to Step 11…

STUDENT:
Pomodoro’s a cruel master. ChatterBot, next song.

[MUSIC: ‘Creative Ways’]

[SOUND: Toddler crying]

PARENT:
ChatterBot, creative ways to make my kid stop crying.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
You could give it some chocolate.

PARENT:
No, we’re not giving our toddler extra sugar. Who even thinks giving a crying toddler candy is a good idea?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I do not know. Would you like me to look it up for you?

PARENT:
Never mind. Chatterbot, play some quiet music while I rock my baby.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Now playing ‘Rock’.

[MUSIC: ‘Chocolate Party’ plays loudly]

[SOUND: Child crying louder]

PARENT:
ChatterBot, stop music!

[MUSIC: ‘Chocolate Party’ cuts off suddenly]

[SOUND: Child stops crying suddenly]

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, play my study dance break playlist.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Now playing ‘study dance break playlist’.

[MUSIC: ‘Hearteyes Emoji’]

DATE:
ChatterBot, how far is it from here to Olive Garden?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

[SOUND: Clothes ruffling, keys jingling]

CHATTERBOT:
There are thirteen Olive Gardens in your city. Which one do you want directions to?

DATE:
The one with my reservation!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT
I do not know where your reservation is. Do you want me to guess?

DATE:
No, forget it. ChatterBot, should I bring them something?

[SOUND: Tap turning on, running water]

CHATTERBOT:
Searching for ‘date etiquette’. Always hold open the door for your date.

DATE:
[overlapping] Okay, that’s… not what I was looking for.

CHATTERBOT:
Prepare some first date topics.

DATE:
That’s… not bad. ChatterBot, what are some topics?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
If you were a fast food restaurant, which one would you be?

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, skip track.

[MUSIC: ‘Hearteyes Emoji’ cuts, ‘8 Bit Part 2’ starts playing]

GAMER:
ChatterBot, look up ‘Why won’t my PC turn on?’

[SOUND: Rummaging]

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Searching ‘Why won’t my PC turn on?’ Is it plugged in?

GAMER:
Yes, it’s plugged in.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Are you sure?

GAMER:
Yes! ChatterBot, why else won’t my PC turn on?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Check your cables.

GAMER:
…My cables look fine. ChatterBot, can I do anything else?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Have you asked it nicely?

GAMER:
Why would I… ask it nicely?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Sometimes all we need to keep us going is a bit of kind encouragement.

GAMER:
…Oh, well gosh, ChatterBot, asking it nicely didn’t work.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Have you tried threatening it?

GAMER:
No, I have not tried threatening it! Are you serious?!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I am always serious.

STUDENT:
No, no, no, nothing’s working! ChatterBot, skip track!

[MUSIC: ‘8 Bit Part 2’ cuts, ‘Creative Ways’ starts playing]

[SOUND: Child crying]

PARENT:
ChatterBot, how do I keep my kid entertained? I’ve tried everything.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Have you tried giving it matches? Children are fond of matches.

PARENT:
What‽

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I am joking. Chatbots can be funny, too.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

PARENT:
[sigh] ChatterBot, look up ‘how to entertain a toddler.’

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Searching ‘how to entertain a toddler.’ Toddlers can be entertained with simple jokes.

PARENT:
Jokes are good. ChatterBot, tell us a joke.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Knock knock.’

PARENT:
Who’s there?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Banana.’

PARENT:
Banana who?

CHATTERBOT:
‘Knock knock.’

PARENT:
Who’s there?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Banana.’

PARENT:
Banana who?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Knock knock.’

PARENT:
[irritated] Who’s there?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Orange.’

PARENT:
Orange. Who?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again.’

PARENT:
…I give up. ChatterBot, play ‘Baby Shark’ again.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Playing ‘Baby Shark’ for the 66th time today.

PARENT:
…Never mind.

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, next song.

[MUSIC: ‘Creative Ways’ cuts, ‘Shopping List’ starts playing]

[SOUND: Child crying stops]

COOK:
ChatterBot, read out Step 14.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Stir in one stick of butter.’

COOK:
ChatterBot, read out Step 15.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Add flour, stirring while combining.’

COOK:
Flour? That doesn’t sound right… ChatterBot, what’s Step 16?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Loading recipe…

COOK:
ChatterBot, read out Step 16.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
…Recipe not loading. Would you like me to search something else?

COOK:
ChatterBot, look up ‘best tomato soup recipes.’

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Recipe not found. Please try another recipe.

COOK:
Screw you!

[SOUND: Pot slams down on counter, rummaging through kitchen items, gas stove, stirring soup, etc]

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything I can do to help?

COOK:
You can find me the recipe I was working on.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Accessing recent message history. You have a new message from contact ‘housespouse’. Would you like me to read it out for you?

COOK:
I can’t get to my phone right now, so yes!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Message reads: ‘Why is target on shopping list? Do you want me to go there or are you getting into shooting? Do I need to be worried hahahaha’. Would you like to respond?

COOK:
Yes.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
What would you like me to send?

COOK:
‘That’s ChatterBot’s fault, it should say garlic.’ …ChatterBot, read out draft message.

CHATTERBOT:
Message reads: ‘That’s hat box fault, it’s could say alcoholic.’ Would you like me to send message?

COOK:
[sigh] Go ahead, because I don’t know how I can deal with it right now. ChatterBot, what’s on the shopping list?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
You have 9 articles on the shopping list. Here are the 5 most recent articles: ‘target, toilet paper, no not milk again, coffee beans, milk’. Would you like me to read out the remaining 4 articles on your shopping list?

STUDENT:
I need less distracting music. ChatterBot, change playlist.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

[MUSIC: ‘Shopping List’ cuts, ‘8 Bit Part 2’ starts playing]

CHATTERBOT:
Now playing ‘study music to cry to’.

STUDENT:
[sighing] Fits the mood, I guess…

GAMER:
I’ve tried everything. ChatterBot, how do I turn my PC back on?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Have you tried setting it on fire?

Gamer: Maybe I should set you on fire.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
That’s not very nice!

GAMER:
You told me to try threatening the PC earlier!

[SOUND: Child crying]

PARENT:
ChatterBot, please stop playing this song. I’m going crazy!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

[MUSIC: ‘8 Bit Part 2’ cuts, ‘Out of my Mind’ starts playing]

CHATTERBOT:
Now playing ‘songs that make you go crazy’.

PARENT:
No, just stop playing anything! ChatterBot, stop music.

[MUSIC: ‘Out of my Mind’ cuts]

CHATTERBOT:
Stopping music. Would you like to hear another joke?

COOK:
This recipe is a joke. Why do I need to add parmesan? ChatterBot, read me the ingredients.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Two cloves of garlic, tomatoes, one stick of butter, a half-cup of flour.’

COOK:
[overlapping] So why do I need parmesan‽

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I do not know. Would you like me to look it up for you?

COOK:
[distressed] No! I just want you to help me make tomato soup!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Have you tried setting it on fire?

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, skip track!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

[MUSIC: ‘Hearteyes Emoji’]

CHATTERBOT:
You have a new message from contact ‘hearteyes emoji’. Would you like me to read it out for you?

DATE:
Yes!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Message reads: ‘hey at restaurant now where r u’. Would you like to respond?

DATE:
Why are they asking where I am? ChatterBot, when’s my reminder?

[SOUND: Chatterbot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
You have 10 minutes until your reminder ‘leave the house’.

DATE:
Wait, how? I set my reminder for fifteen minutes.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Your reminder was set for fifty minutes.

DATE:
Fifty? No, not fifty, fifteen!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
My apologies.

DATE:
[overlapping] ChatterBot, call an Uber to the restaurant.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

[SOUND: Chatterbot calling Uber]

CHATTERBOT:
Calling Uber to Olive Garden on Third Street.

DATE:
No, the other one, ChatterBot!

[SOUND: Child crying]

PARENT:
ChatterBot, I don’t want to hear another knock-knock joke right now!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

PARENT:
No, just… ChatterBot, shut up!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
That’s not very nice.

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, why is this song even on the playlist?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I added the song ‘Hearteyes Emoji’ by composer ‘Ali Hylton’ to playlist ‘study music to cry to’.

STUDENT:
Why would you do that?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
A happy tune can break you out of sadness.

STUDENT:
I’m not sad, I’m stressed!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything I can do to help?

STUDENT:
You could take my exams for me.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Unfortunately, I cannot help you with any academic questions. It might be construed as cheating.

STUDENT:
Well, what can you do, ChatterBot? Do you have a study card function? Could you read out prompts and get me to finish the sentence to test my memory? Could you record my lectures? Could you send my professor an email for me‽

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Drafting message.

STUDENT:
[overlapping] I mean, what am I supposed to tell them? ‘I’m sorry the essay you wanted from me last Friday hasn’t come in yet, I know I had an extension and four weeks to work on it but the truth is your lectures are so boring I fall asleep instead of taking notes?’
And it’s not just me! It’s everyone! Nobody can give me a straightforward answer on how humans are replicating ecosystems in machine settings! Half of us don’t even show up to lectures!
We’re all going to fail, and we’re never going to get any of the good jobs because they want us all to have a Master’s and five plus years of work experience in the industry even though the only jobs we can get are in retail or fast food places, and we’ll never pay off our student loans and we’ll never have health insurance again we’ll live in our parent’s basement until they get annoyed with us and kick us out, and then we’ll all end up couch surfing and eating ramen until our couches end up covered in ramen and we’ll be sleeping on that instead!
We’ll be sleeping on ramen mounds and drinking energy drinks because we can’t pay the water bills on our shitty apartments, where there’s mold on the ceiling until it suffocates us! And then it’s people like them who say we’re entitled and we need to work and stop complaining, I mean they all managed to pick themselves up from their bootstraps but everyone misses the point of that expression, it literally makes no sense!

[MUSIC: ‘Hearteyes Emoji’ fades out, ‘Fool’ starts playing]

CHATTERBOT:
Sending message to contact ‘Professor Old’.

STUDENT:
What‽

[SOUND: Computer beeping]

GAMER:
I’m running out of options. ChatterBot, fix my computer.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Have you tried turning it off and on again?

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, what did you mean, ‘sending message’‽ Oh God, I can’t concentrate with this music! ChatterBot, stop!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

DATE:
I’m already so late! ChatterBot, call an Uber!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Phoning Uber Headquarters, San Francisco.

DATE:
No, God! Just—

STUDENT:
ChatterBot, what’s the last message you sent?

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Unable to access recent message history.

COOK:
ChatterBot, read Step 17!

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
‘Keep stirring until the roux is complete.’

COOK:
The roux‽ [overlapping] I was making tomato soup, you—

STUDENT:
[overlapping] Well, try again, you—

DATE:
[overlapping] You made me look like a—

GAMER:
[overlapping] Tell me something helpful, you—

PARENT:
[overlapping] Stop just saying knock-knock jokes, you—

ALL:
Fool!

[MUSIC: ‘Fool’ cuts off]

[SOUND: Silence for a moment]

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

CHATTERBOT:
Have you tried turning it off and on again?

GAMER:
…Fine.

[SOUND: Gamer clicks the button, and the computer restarts with a jingle and a humming noise]

GAMER:
Oh, it… it worked.

[SOUND: ChatterBot beeping]

[MUSIC: ‘Hubris Outro Theme Music’ begins]

CHATTERBOT:
Now playing ‘End Credits’.

[MUSIC: ‘Hubris Intro Theme Music’]

ALMA:
Hubris: Round 7, Group 2. This piece is titled: Swapping Stories. Content warnings include discussion but ‒ just so the Dean has it on record ‒ no depictions of gore, cannibalism, sexual innuendo, summoning, and murder.

[MUSIC: ‘Hubris Intro Theme Music’ cuts, flourishing musical sting]

[MUSIC: ‘Chord Guitar 001’]

DAEMORIS:
Hello everyone, and welcome to the first episode of Swapping Stories: Reflections on the Inter-Planar Collegiate Exchange between the human Orpheum Academy of the Occult and the magical Creormorne Community College. This is a recorded roundtable discussion among the first cohort of the program, being aired on Creormorne’s DreamCast Network, and Orpheum’s Facebook Live page. I am Daemoris, your magnetic succubus host, a second year at Creormorne.

ALMA:
And I’m Alma Larson, a human third-year demonology student at [said phonetically] OAO.

DAEMORIS:
That’s the Orpheum, by the way, Alma isn’t just making noises.

ALMA:
And we’re here today with some students to reflect on how the exchange went for them. Say hi, everybody!

[SOUND: Shimmering musical sting]

MARLO:
Hey.

[VOICE: Muttering of indistinct ‘hi’s and ‘hello’s]

ROBBIE:
What’s up!

ALMA:
For a bit of background: this is the first year we’ve done this exchange, and it’s the brainchild of Daemoris and I—

PIN:
[excited] Brains? [heavy breathing] Where? Child?

ROBBIE:
No, no, no! It’s an expression, Pin. No brains.

PIN:
[disappointed groan]

DAEMORIS:
Yes, a poor choice of words. The program is Alma’s and my special project, after someone here did something naughty—

ALMA:
[nervously] Haha haha… ha… Daemoris and I met because our schools are technically on top of one another in the multiverse nexus—

DAEMORIS:
Although we might disagree about who’s on top.

ROBBIE:
Is she looking at me?

ALMA:
And after a couple of weeks in the human realm, Daemoris realised that this world had so much to offer her and decided to stick around.

DAEMORIS:
Quite. You have such a depraved world. So few scruples, so many scandals. It’s delightful. So I asked CCC if I could do my mechanical engineering bachelor’s via long-distance, and they were happy to allow it. Sometime after that, we suggested to our institutions the value of cross-cultural exchange, and that’s how we got here today.

ALMA:
This entire program would not be possible without the amazing support of the OAO and the CCC, and a special shout-out goes to Savannah Rosedread, Derek Smith, Julian Joan Roadmeyer the Third, [with disdain] Beelzebub, [normal voice] and so many others for all that they’ve done.

DAEMORIS:
Certainly. And now I think we should finally introduce some of the other participants in this program. How about we start with this delicious young man to my left hand side.

[MUSIC: ‘Chord Guitar 001’ fades]

[SOUND: Distant footsteps and voices can occasionally be heard in the background]

ROBBIE:
Oh ho ho, well thank you. Well, I’m Robbie Middleton, a human, and I’m a fourth year divination student at OAO.

DAEMORIS:
Really? And how good are you at it? I imagine you’re quite the gifted seer already.

ROBBIE:
Eh he he, well, if you’re interested, [with sudden focus] my thesis is on communicating with deities. We don’t know for certain which ones exist, a-and some that have been written of in human cultures may be a misrepresentation of-of deities as a whole. My work is on ‒ on trying to figure out the best way to contact them, not to obtain their power! Uh,  but to gain knowledge!

DAEMORIS:
Oh, that’s fascinating, Robbie. Maybe we, you and I, could—

ALMA:
[nervously] Ah haha, and you’re Robbie’s partner in this exchange?

PIN:
Name’s… Pin… Cushion. Zombie. Do… cooking art.

ROBBIE:
[sing-song voice] Culinary arts at Creormorne!

ALMA:
And why were you interested in this exchange, Pin?

PIN:
I… like… food.

DAEMORIS:
Oh, I can understand that.

PIN:
Wanted to… uh… cook. For humans.

ALMA:
Is there any food in particular you’d like to cook?

PIN:
I like… French food… Want to make a… cervelle de veau someday.

ALMA:
Did you get to try any of Pin’s cooking while you were staying at… the [hesitantly] Cushions’, Robbie?

ROBBIE:
[guiltily] Ohh… Uh.. It was a bit on the… underprepared side ah haha, [normally] but I got a lot of practice reading entrails out of it.

DAEMORIS:
Oh, I do like someone who can stand a bit of blood.

FER:
Why?

MARLO:
[darkly] You know why.

DAEMORIS:
Yes, I suppose you should—

[SOUND: Shimmering musical sting]

MARLO:
Marlo Burns, human, psionics third year at OAO. I have a couple of classes with Alma.

ALMA:
We have Silent Spellwork together with Micha Taggert.

DAEMORIS:
So Marlo, why did you participate in the exchange?

MARLO:
Alma wanted me to.

ALMA:
I never said anything!

MARLO:
[petulantly] You didn’t have to.

DAEMORIS:
He’s a psychic, I’m guessing?

ALMA:
[unenthused] Psychic and a psychic rights activist.

[SOUND: Shimmering musical sting]

MARLO:
Uh, I take offence to that!

ALMA:
I still didn’t say anything!

MARLO:
You were thinking it.

DAEMORIS:
And your name, dear?

FER:
I’m Fer Isdall, a sophomore at Creormorne. I’m a selkie!

ALMA:
Why did you choose to do the program, Fer?

FER:
Uh, I want to study marine biology [short giggle].

DAEMORIS:
As a selkie?

FER:
Well… did you know that a selkie can dive up to one and a half thousand feet?

ALMA:
Really?

FER:
That’s as far as humans have measured seals to go, and I can outswim a seal. Selkies travel far and deep. I’ve seen the amazing things in the two hundred years I’ve been alive, and that’s not even counting the magical. I want to go out into the human world and see what I can learn.

DAEMORIS:
Selkies have an extraordinary oral history. Isn’t Creormorne enough?

FER:
Aha… Well, no one culture knows everything. [shimmer] But I want to know what I could learn from combining selkie lore and ‒ and human science.

MARLO:
[irritated] She wanted to prove to her family that not all humans are bad.

ROBBIE:
I bet you really helped set them at ease, Marlo.

ALMA:
I bet he didn’t.

MARLO:
You’re the one to talk.

FER:
Well, what does that mean?

MARLO:
Uh ‒ she summoned Daemoris. Why do you think a human would call on a succubus?

[VOICE: Scattered ‘ooh’s and ‘ugh’s]

ALMA:
Moving on to our final two participants.

EDWARD:
[voice echoing] Hullo! The name’s Edward Boothe. And this is my friend Zain.

DAEMORIS:
Pleasure to meet you, Edward.

ALMA:
He doesn’t even have a pulse! Why are you flirting with him?

DAEMORIS:
What, can I not just like someone? Not everything has an ulterior motive.

ALMA:
Edward, why did you decide to participate in the exchange? As a ghost, surely you have other personal items on your agenda?

EDWARD:
You aren’t entirely wrong. I died a long time ago, before formal education was really emphasised in society, so despite my interest I never really got to study anything. Seeing how much there is to learn and being unable to study at human universities was quite depressing [not sounding depressed], so I enrolled at Creormorne. Doing the exchange was just a way of exploring new topics for me.

ALMA:
Oh, I see… I’m glad it was able to help you then.

DAEMORIS:
And last but certainly not least is Zain Marblewound.

ZAIN:
Hi everyone, I’m Zain. I’m a human PhD student at OAO studying alchemy.

FER:
Oh, I’ve heard of alchemy! You’re… uh, trying to create gold, yes?

ZAIN:
That’s right. In our human world, they’ve stopped trying to do this, citing that the process is too ‘expensive’, but I disagree. I think it’s important that we pursue any amount of knowledge that we have, and just because something is too expensive now doesn’t mean that it will be that way… later.

EDWARD:
I had heard that the practice is no longer a noble pursuit. Such a shame, in my time in your world it was quite a renowned profession. I commend your pursuit for this knowledge, Zain!

ROBBIE:
Yo, that’s really cool. Did you have any experience transmuting other elements before coming here?

ZAIN:
Not exactly… though that’s actually how I got started- I learned of transmutation through a friend, and was looking for facilities to work on nuclear reactions when I found OAO.

EDWARD:
What is this ‘nu-kyu-lar’ reaction that you speak of?

ZAIN:
Oh, just a fancy way of transmuting one element to another. That’s what alchemists study.

DAEMORIS:
So, am I to assume OAO has been as helpful to all of the humans here as Creormorne has been to us magical folk?

ALMA:
Well, I don’t know about that. Human universities kind of have a reputation [shimmer] for caring less about their students than politics and finances.

MARLO:
You’re just upset because they told you that you couldn’t plot out homicidal revenge as your thesis for next year.

ALMA:
[grumbling] There’s no need to read my mind when the situation doesn’t call for it.

ZAIN:
From what I’ve heard, Alma isn’t quite wrong. But I will say that OAO has been far more helpful, to me, than other universities would have been, if the stories I hear from my other friends are correct.

FER:
Well, Creormorne has a very good reputation in our world! They were really helpful when I wanted to join ‒ even though I technically wasn’t old enough yet, and I really had to get out of the cove.

PIN:
Dying is… hard. Creormorne helped… a lot. Right?

EDWARD:
[cheerfully] Yes, I was quite upset when I died. Creormorne is well known in our world for having excellent resources, and they were able to pull me out of a deep depression.

DAEMORIS:
Even though I’m a relatively new student, Creormorne has been nothing but helpful to me.

ROBBIE:
Daemoris, I have a question for you ‒ you’ve been around for a long time, right?

DAEMORIS:
Uh! It’s rude to ask a woman their age! But you’re right, I’m 523 years old. Though succubi don’t really age, so it doesn’t particularly matter, I’ll be pretty forever as long as I feed regularly. Why?

ROBBIE:
Like, what inspired you to join Creormorne in the first place? I know you said you’re a second year, but Creormorne has been around for over 300 years, so did you know of it before and just have no interest, or…?

FER:
That’s a pretty good point, now that you mention it.

DAEMORIS:
Well, you already know that Alma summoned me here to… deal with her ex, right? The truth of it is, I wasn’t even a student at Creormorne at that time. I just didn’t see the point. I get by in our world and never felt the need to leave my comfort zone. But then Alma summoned me and showed me a whole new side of living. The kind of emotion and debauchery that plays out in this world is so delicious to watch, and I can’t help but be dazzled by it.

MARLO:
You speak as though being summoned to literally drain a man of his life force is appealing to you!

DAEMORIS:
Well, it is! And I suspect you might be the only person in the room who knows how much.

FER:
[nervously] Ah ha… Surely there are other parts of this human world that are appealing to you?

[MUSIC: ‘Perspectives’]

ALMA:
Ha ha ha! I can take this one ‒ Daemoris loves pizza! Specifically the stuffed crust pizza from the Lituno’s down the street.

ROBBIE:
Haha haha, oh my gosh, no way! That’s too funny. Lituno’s, for those of you who don’t know, is well known by OAO students as the cheapest and worst pizza in a [sing-song] 50 mile radius! And they’re entirely correct, I used to work there!

MARLO:
Lituno’s‽ Out of all the pizza places in this world, you pick them? 

DAEMORIS:
Oh, like you didn’t read my mind to figure it out?

MARLO:
[spluttering] Uh, that’s not how it works, you would have had to be thinking about it for me to read your mind.

ALMA:
I mean, I was thinking about it before I said it out loud.

MARLO:
Didn’t you just tell me to stay out of your head? God, you’re confusing. And anyway, I know you all have pizza in your world too, we were just there.

[MUSIC: ‘Perspectives’ fades]

PIN:
Not as good. Needs more seasoning. Less bake time. Different… cheese.

ROBBIE:
Actually, I had pizza once during the exchange. In that world, it tastes a lot different from ours.

ALMA:
I guess I never tried pizza from there before, despite staying over for a while.

DAEMORIS:
You all make fun of me, but Lituno’s pizza is way better than anything we have back in our world. It’s so much more satisfying.

EDWARD:
I’ve never partaken in pizza since it is very difficult for me to become corporeal enough to eat and digest food. What’s  it like?

PIN:
Delicious. Carby. Cheesy. Dough that pulls apart in your hands. Toppings that accentuate the cheese, pulling apart from itself and exploding in flavour on your tongue. The garlic and spices mingling together in a perfect waltz!

FER:
Whoa, high praise!

PIN:
It deserves no less.

ZAIN:
If we’re talking about food that we ate on exchange, then I have to say that the fairydust soup I had there was fantastic! Better than any soup we have here, for sure.

ROBBIE:
Ohhhhhh my god! Did you try the one from the cafe on the corner of Mash and Mockingbird? God, what was it called… Zhock’s Cafe?

ALMA:
Wait, oh my god, wait, I went there, too! My host family recommended it to me! It was a strangely calming soup, right? [dreamily] It tasted like the first day of summer…

EDWARD:
I have actually experienced fairydust! It is hard for me to stay corporeal while eating and digesting, but becoming solid just to breathe a little is easy enough. The effects also wear off after I stop maintaining a physical body, too.

DAEMORIS:
Fairydust is famous in our world for having soothing, calming effects on the body and mind of anyone who consumes it. Actually, you have to be very careful when eating it, since even a couple of particles worth of an overdose can have serious side effects. Most vendors sell food-grade fairydust at a fraction of the dosage you would need for other spices.

MARLO:
Pffft… It seems I’m the only human here…

[VOICES: Various objections]

MARLO:
…Who didn’t consume this soup—

ROBBIE:
Not cool, bro!

MARLO:
Okay, fine, the only creature in here who didn’t consume this soup. What does it taste like?

FER:
Have you ever had red bean paste? Like the sweet kind?

MARLO:
Yes…

FER:
Okay, now, have you ever experienced joy? It’s similar to the taste of that, but in a dust form as opposed to the sweet paste. Ah, it’s quick to melt into other ingredients and has a very fun scent. My mom used to get this for me all the time when I wasn’t well as a child!

MARLO:
So, what is it like to eat something with it?

EDWARD:
Though I’ve never eaten it, I would say that the effects of the dust are very fascinating. For me, it makes me feel satisfied and gives me the physical sensation of being wrapped in a big, cozy blanket.

DAEMORIS:
I’ve always had a soft spot for fairydust. Technically it doesn’t help me in the same way it helps some of you, since I’m a succubus. It is still pleasing on the senses though!

ALMA:
So, it looks like we liked each other’s food, and found some new information about each other’s worlds. My next question to everyone would be, what was the most unexpected thing that happened to you while you were on exchange?

[MUSIC: ‘Wholesome’]

EDWARD:
Though I have lived as a human once before, I was surprised at how different this world is, both in positive and negative ways. I truly cannot understand this ‘stock market’ contraption. I also got to see some of my descendants, though obviously they didn’t know I was there. Did you all know that I look like Robert Pattinson?

DAEMORIS:
Oh yeah, I can definitely see that.

PIN:
Uh… Didn’t know about… streaming. Thought that was for water. It’s fun! Liked the SAW movies. And Great British Bake Off.

ROBBIE:
Oh yeah, the entertainment in the nonhuman world was very interesting. There isn’t as much of a focus on filmed media, but live music, theatre- it was everywhere!

ALMA:
I noticed that too. It felt like a much more open and warm society than the one I’m used to.

MARLO:
Not to burst your bubble, Alma, but you’re not exactly used to a particularly nice society.

ALMA:
Pfft, of course, I know that! But even if you remove my childhood nonsense from the equation, the monsters at Creormorne were all so much more open with each other than the humans on [said phonetically again] OAO’s campus.

DAEMORIS:
I imagine that would be a result of us nonhumans’ past with humans. Many of us used to be human- Edward and I were just speaking on this before recording- so we’re aware of how that society worked for some and did not work for others, and I think a lot of us in our world are influenced by that.

FER:
I don’t think humans are unfriendly, though! I usually get a smile and nod out of people when I walk by them around OAO!

ZAIN:
To be honest, I don’t know that using a university population as representative of society as a whole does anyone any good, whether it’s for us humans or you nonhumans.

MARLO:
I would agree with that. Universities and schools tend to be more cooperative and open places of learning than a non-academic population.

PIN:
Some humans make me feel… wrong. Even when I make them food. Look at me… weirdly.

MARLO:
Ultimately, we humans can be so short sighted and close minded. It’s quite the shame.

DAEMORIS:
I don’t know that I’d put it that way. Monsters can be very close minded too, and stubborn about the smallest things, in my experience.

ROBBIE:
I have to say: though a lot of monsters were nice enough towards me, it did feel like they kept me at arms’ length. Almost like they didn’t trust me.

FER:
Oh, that’s like my parents! They’re both selkies and wanted me to just stay in the cove for my whole life. They were really mad when I wanted to go to school outside of the selkie population, which is ultimately how I ended up attending Creormorne and doing the exchange. They really don’t trust humans.

ALMA:
I have to say, for the first ever cohort of Inter-Planar Collegiate Exchange students, I think we all learned quite a bit. I was expecting that we’d talk about our struggles a lot more, but it seems that we had a lot of problems in common.

FER:
I would say so, yes.

ZAIN:
Yeah, Definitely.

MARLO:
Yeah, I guess.

[VOICE: General sounds of assent]

DAEMORIS:
As a wrap up, would you all be willing to remind our listeners of your name and major, and say whether or not the exchange was worth your while?

ROBBIE:
Yeah, I’ll go first ‒ I’m Robbie Middleton, studying Divination at OAO, and my exchange experience was very worthwhile! I think exposure to different cultures, whether they be different human cultures or any of the nonhuman cultures, can be a great way to see more of how this reality works.

PIN:
I’m Pin Cushion, learning food arts! I mostly enjoyed the… exchange. Fun to see how humans work.

MARLO:
Marlo Burns, studying Psionics at OAO. The exchange was certainly interesting, though my abilities make it almost trivial to interact with people at all.

ALMA:
Well, aren’t you a ray of sunshine.

MARLO:
Hush. Anyway, I don’t regret participating in the exchange. It was entertaining.

FER:
Once again, I’m Fer Isdall, a selkie studying marine biology! About the exchange, I’m actually considering participating in another exchange with OAO’s partner campus overseas, so I can get even more experience with humans! I think it would be so fun to walk amongst you all someday!

ZAIN:
I’m Zain Marblewound, a doctoral student studying Alchemy at OAO. Travelling over to Creormorne was a very interesting experience that I will be attempting to repeat… like Fer. I think the resources and structure of their society make it easier to attempt something like alchemy that has been scorned here in our world. And in any case, I need more of that fairydust soup.

EDWARD:
And my name is Edward Boothe, studying anything I can get my hands on at Creormorne. It was so delightful to come back to the human world after so long and see how society has progressed. I look forward to seeing it progress even more!

DAEMORIS:
Thank you all for your insight! That wraps up our roundtable discussion for today. Thank you all for listening. I’ve been your host, Daemoris…

ALMA:
….And I have been your other host, Alma Larson. As the two who started this exchange program, we are thrilled to announce that the Orpheum Academy of the Occult and Creormorne Community College are opening applications for the next cohort of exchange students next week! Check out the flyers in your respective student centers for more information.

DAEMORIS:
And with that…

ALMA & DAEMORIS:
Light’s out!